VAN HELSING - DRACULA'S REVENGE

A good movie could be made about the goings-on in the Demeter (the Russian ship that brings Count Dracula to England in Bram Stoker's novel), which could play out as a sort of Ur-Alien. Now, the latter doesn’t mean that it would perforce have to occur in space; it’s never a good idea to put an earthbound monster in orbit (1985’s Lifeforce kinda went there, though not all the way, with mixed but mostly good results).

According to AllMovie, Dracula 3000 "includes a stellar exploitation cast, including Casper Van Dien, Erika Eleniak, Coolio, Tommy "Tiny" Lister Jr., and a special guest appearance from Udo Kier." I can’t decide if the «stellar» is meant to be ironic or not; on the other hand, any appearance by Kier is bound to be special — not to say almost obligatory in a vampire movie.

If the revered German actor played the titular character, there might be hope yet for this movie; Kier, however, or anyone else for that matter, can’t play the titular character because the villain is not Dracula but Orlock (like the antagonist in Nosferatu only with an extra 'c').

An intergalactic salvage team finds a seemingly abandoned spaceship adrift in space. The salvage ship's crew consists of Captain Van Helsing (Van Dien), Arthur Holmwood (Grant Swanby) — called "Professor" despite being named after the character in the novel who is an aristocrat —, navigator and "intern" Mina Murr[a]y (Alexandra Kamp), "vice-captain" Aurora Ash (Erika Eleniak), Humvee (Lister), and 187 (Coolio).

To call this movie chauvinistic would be an understatement. It’s not so much that 187 tells Aurora that he would like to "ejaculate on [her] bazongas;" it’s that she’d probably enjoy that, considering that her character, more than being sexually objectified, turns out to be a literal sex object (a "pleasure-bot," to be exact).