MONSTER IN THE CLOSET

Chestnut Hills, not far from San Francisco. Someone or something drags people into their closets and kills them. A hapless reporter and a university professor with a super-intelligent son set out to track down the killer. But when it turns out that the perpetrator of the crimes is a hideous monster capable of moving through closets, the army steps in. Know that "Monster in the Closet," which we effectively retitled "Don't Open That Closet," was distributed in the U.S. by Troma, which is significant for getting a first idea about the film in question. In reality, when Bob Dahlin (here in his first and only cinematic experience) directed the film in 1983, Troma was not involved at all, but "Don't Open That Closet" remained unreleased until 1987, when it was "discovered" by Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Hertz's company and distributed internationally. "Don't Open That Closet" actually doesn't have all the characteristics of Troma cinema; it's an extremely polite film suitable even for children, but the absurd verve it exudes in every single sequence still qualifies it for the Kaufman/Hertz stable. Unfortunately, however, Dahlin's film is merely a great wasted opportunity. The story of the Boogeyman who lives in closets and kills adults and children is extremely winning and even original for making a good horror film, but it's a shame that the director and screenwriter opted for comedy with horror overtones, thus flushing down the toilet everything appetizing about his story. It pains me to say it, but the film in question doesn't even make you laugh! For an hour and a half, you only see silly skits that exploit the awareness of the lack of means to concoct a ridiculous theater. The main intent of "Don't Open That Closet" is therefore not to create a horror film based on the atavistic fears of childhood, but to dive headfirst into the parody of the 1950s American monster movie, bringing on stage an actor trapped in a rubber monster costume who threatens the nation's safety and the army that tries to resolve the situation. The idea in itself isn't too original, but at least the characters are sufficiently characterized to be credible in a parody. We have the clumsy rookie reporter whose last name is Clark and who wears large glasses with black frames (doesn't that remind you of someone?), a fussy professor who falls into ecstasy as soon as Clark takes off his glasses, a very bright boy called Professor and played by blond Paul Walker ("Fast and Furious;" "Timeline") in his first role, a scientist who looks like Einstein and discovers that communicating with the monster is not too different from how they communicated with aliens in "Close Encounters of the Third Kind," a priest who has pity for the monster because it is after all a creature of God, and a colonel ready to fire at anything that moves. The variety of characters is therefore functional and "winning," but it never manages to spark that alchemy of elements sufficient to consider this film a success. Numerous are the cinematic references, from the already mentioned "Close Encounters" to "King Kong" to "Psycho." In a cameo appearance are John Carradine, in the role of an old blind man devoured by the monster along with his dog, and a young Stacy Ferguson (the Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas) in the role of another victim. For those who are satisfied with very little, it can even be amusing.