ANACONDA 3: OFFSPRING

A multi-millionaire is funding some scientific research on anacondas in a secret pharmaceutical laboratory in Eastern Europe; the purpose of the research is to try to extract from the large subtropical orchid-eating snakes the elixir of eternal youth. More unique than rare, the experiments do not go as planned and two large specimens of anaconda escape from the laboratories to sow terror among the groves adjacent to the scientific research center. A group of pseudo-soldiers receives the task of capturing the large beasts. Watching "Anaconda 3" is certainly a life experience. But it is not one of those life experiences to be proud of, not one of those life experiences that make you mature and that push you to carry it with you forever to tell it with joy to the first friend you meet, it is not one of those life experiences that make you feel an fearless warrior ready to shout to the whole world "Yes, I also did it!" No, none of this. Watching "Anaconda 3" is a chilling, diabolical, mean and terribly frustrating experience; a life experience ready to turn into a real trauma for the viewer (whether he is a cinema lover, whether he is a reptile lover, whether he is a mentally stable person) and capable of demonstrating that cinema, when it wants, knows how to cross any boundary, especially that of decency. Talking about this film only in terms of bad would not be sufficient or correct, it would be a sort of insult to all those bad little films that beyond such an adjective do not dare to go, "Anaconda 3 - The New Breed" is a film that manages to prolong itself beyond the simple bad, almost into the horrifying, but once again the adjective used does not manage to express itself fully. One is a bit saddened to notice so much indecency displayed with pride, especially if one thinks back to that small great film that is "Anaconda" (L. Llosa, 1997) which, although unjustly undervalued by many, was able to contain within itself all those qualities that make the beast movie one of the most interesting subgenres of the horror genre. Less so, but still of pleasant craftsmanship, was also its first sequel, "Anaconda - The Hunt for the Bloody Orchid" (D. Little, 2004), which thanks to a good combination of eco-vengeance and adventure was able to stage a tasty interlude capable of entertaining and amusing at the right moment. But after two products destined for the cinema circuit, even the anacondas are subjected to television productions and inevitably the quality cannot but suffer. It was therefore to be expected a third episode of lower quality (perhaps we all expected it) but what no one could have expected is the high dose of incompetence and ignorance that permeates the entire film. One could (but should not) also turn a blind eye to the anonymous direction of Don E. FauntLeRoy (much more active as a cinematographer), one could turn a blind eye to the terribly glossy and television-like photography that becomes oppressive, as well as the squalid and desolate sets (we go from the fascinating and wild Amazon and Borneo forests that characterized the previous films, to a banal courtyard with a grove); but there is something on which the viewer cannot absolutely turn a blind eye and that is the highlight of the film: the anacondas. These huge and fascinating reptiles, in fact, are outlined with so much incompetence that one doubts the authors' real knowledge, even just school knowledge, of such animals: here we are given serpentines equipped with sharp teeth (?), constantly talking about the queen anaconda (what? Queen anaconda? We are not talking about bees!), they are perpetually hungry so as to eat everything continuously (but the digestion times of snakes, usually, are not a bit long?) and do nothing but spit, as a defense/attack technique, a sci-fi liquid not dissimilar from blood. To all this should be added a little speech regarding the visual rendering of the large snakes: forget the very remarkable mechanical puppets that characterized the first film, here everything (even the most useless) is realized with a primitive and rough computer graphic that would make the old Play Station One video games envious. A few small words deserve to be spent also regarding Nicholas Davidoff and David C. Olson who take care of and sign one of the most disastrous screenplays of recent times and which seems elaborated by an elementary school child during a recovery course: the viewer, made powerless by a technology that does not yet allow interaction with the film's characters, is forced to witness the delirious deeds of a handful of pseudo marines (more similar to a gang of junkies, however) who do nothing but run among the trees and chase the anaconda (memorable the chase of the snake with the Jeep) which this time, following genetic manipulations, has a sword-like tail with which it can impale its victims (??). Alongside the junkie-marines (including a bewildered and expressionless David Hasselhoff, ended up fighting against the anacondas after talking to his "SuperCar" and running in slow motion on the beaches of "BayWatch") cannot be missing the beautiful scientist (strictly blonde) who does not spare us pseudo-intellectual scientific gunshots. Nothing can save this summary of ugliness from the guillotine; the shocking thing is knowing that there is also a fourth chapter, "Anaconda 4 - Trail of Blood", made back to back by the same team.